The past creeping up on me again

Smiling and giggling
Had a great time at the Kingdom Hall talking to my friends but now driving home

Still smiling

You know how it is when you're driving around town? No one likes to admit that when they are running their errands or just driving. They automatically look at the people walking on sidewalks as they drive by, in hopes of seeing a certain someone (or a couple of key people).
Well I'll admit it...I always look for 2 certain people.

That is when I saw one

I was driving home from the Kingdom Hall like always. Then BAM I see him. I saw a guy around my age (19) on a skateboard. His tall lean body slightly hunching over to keep his speed consistent.
Slightly awkward
Pale face determined to get to where he is heading with no hint of awareness about his surroundings. Just determination.
Beanie covering his dirty blond hair. Headphones in his ears. Like always...

I recognized him instantly

A piece of my security and past...
Everything in my being said "Go to him" except one tiny part that was completely overruled and obliterated at the time.

Then I realized he was going the opposite way on the other side of the street
"Make a u-turn" "hurry"
Wearing red leather heels I put my foot on the gas clumsily and charged in the lane over to make a u-turn without turning on my blinker.
"HURRY"

I snapped out of my unwavering and obstinate trance.
What am I doing? I know he is a bad influence.
I turned on my blinker to go back in the lane heading home.



That scared me. If he was closer to me I would have no doubt that I'd pick him up and drive him home. Then...start talking to him. -sigh-
I'm helplessly trying to stay away from my past and grow up but gosh why is it so hard.

Well first things first.

Ryan and I aren't together right now.
We might be later. There is like a 50/50 chance.
Suprised?

Well let me explain
Ryan and I weren't doing so good because we weren't mature enough to handle a relationship and weren't spiritually strong enough to keep our priorities straight. So we decided to not be together so we can mature emotionally and spiritually before being together again. Because a couple really shouldn't be dating unless they have hopes of getting married.
You're probably thinking "No! She's crazy..."

Well really think about it.

You're with a girl/guy and you guys are great together. You might not want to be with them forever so you are just together for nothing really. You guys are kinda using each other for one reason or the other (company, sex, feeling loved, etc..) Then once the couple splits apart there is a huge amount of pain because they get attached. You act immature, he/she acts immature and what has the person learned? Nothing much. Just to not go out with someone like THAT again.

haha sorry about that little spew
I wanted you to understand where I'm coming from.
So I'm not talking to Ryan at all because my emotional progress halts and I start obsessing over him. Which is very unhealthy and is not true love at all.

and let's see...
I'm an unbaptized publisher
I am going to go to Santa Ana to get my certificate to be an OTA (kinda like a physical therapist)
I've been going out in service for 20 hours or more each month and I've been getting closer to all the brothers and sisters in the Kingdom Hall. Learning to love them
So far I love all of them
Tom, Kathleen, Brent, Pam, Wayne, Renee, Jackie, Elizabeth, Sophia, Chelsea, Jessica, Leslie, Mary, Nyla, Sandy and gosh so many more to learn and love


Hmm I think that's about it

haha
I hope I'm in a better mood in the next post. I'm a little upset/angry/disturbed right now

I will be better
Don't worry


Love Darla